Do I Shave My Legs For This?

I am not going to get into all my feelings about this, as anyone that is human would feel utterly embarrassed. I certainly do. Here it goes.

I was just minding my own business trying to sell a customer a phone when I got handed this note. “Great, another customer is going to ask me on a date.” I thought to myself. But I was wrong, oh so wrong.

Welcome to my world.

Yesterday was not my day… not that any day really is, but yesterday definitely NOT! I had amazing dream that Chelsea Handler was my best friend and Tom Brady was my boyfriend … Yes we were madly in love (Giselle who? Not in my dreamland!) and I had a great many laughs with my new bestie! YAY! Although I am in love with a beautiful person and have friends I love dearly, I really liked my place in life while I was sleeping. So depressing to wake up! Chelsea and I were having pizza, gossiping about famous girlfriends… it was great! And then Poof… she was gone! And so was Tom! Did I mention we went to the Olympics and watched soccer? Oh yea it was GREAT! And then, like I said, then I woke up… 15 minutes later than I should have.

So then I get to work, late of course. (Lots of traffic – totally not because I went through the drive through at Dunkin Donuts and had to wait FOREVER for my coffee). I arrived at work, put on my makeup , did my hair, which by the way was an absolute nightmare and I had 4 inches of breakage come off on my wave iron, So now my hair is 4 inches shorter on one side underneath than the other! Great! That will only take 3 years to grow out! (Did I mention it was a late morning???)

When I finally got to the showroom I started chatting with my coworker. He was staring at me with a confused look and asked if my shirt was on backwards. “Uh no… Not mine! It just needs the button done that’s why it probably looks that way to you.” So I continued on with what I was doing. I went outside and I noticed people looking at me. I checked to make sure my skirt wasn’t tucked in my underwear (this would also happen to me) and then thought to myself that maybe I look good today, that’s why everyone is looking at me? I did my runway model strut with confidence through that parking lot all the while thinking how I liked that idea that people were staring. Maybe it was the way I did my hair? Makeup? Or maybe it was my outfit?  It was OH SO CUTE! Or so I thought.

Anyway, an hour later a woman came over to my desk in the showroom and said, “Excuse me Miss, I don’t know if they would tell you but …(no idea what she said)… shirt is on inside out.” I looked at her and asked which guy had his shirt on inside out? Of course, I heard something completely different than what she said. It was then she looked at me and said loud enough for EVERYONE to hear, “No, your shirt is on inside out.” So then I told her, “No, no, no not my shirt. My shirt just looks that way because I need to fasten this button right here.” I pointed to the nape of my neck with a big smile on my face, all the while thinking this lady is crazy to think I would put my shirt on inside out. I mean, who of all people wearing a satin halter blouse with a giant bow at the base would put it on inside out? Jeez… I wouldn’t commit a fashion sin of that nature! Then she said, “Ummm, no I can see your black tag. It’s inside out.” So then the showroom erupts into “Yes it is! I knew it!” Blah, Blah, Blah. It was loud; people telling other people they didn’t know how to tell me and the “OH MY GOSH make this stop happening” just kept running through my head over and over again. I finally acknowledged her and said the only thing that came to mind. “Hmmm…. look at that. I suppose I should probably fix it?” What? Of course I should fix it! Duh! It was right before that moment that I noticed the once familiar bow on my shirt was missing. It was gone. No bow. I bought the darn shirt because of the bow! WHY ME?! Not only was I wrong (I hate being wrong) but I just got my spot blown up in the middle of my showroom in front of people… lots of people. There were the people in the parking lot, the drive through I walked past, and of course the people in the store. What the heck…. I guess I wasn’t so hot, I just looked like a hot mess.

I made it through that debacle and I got a customer just in time for the virus to present itself on my computer. Awesome, I know I was browsing and I know it said not to click on the link, but of course I didn’t see it until after I clicked on it. I then jumped to another computer and when I bent over and stood up, my earring fell on the counter in front of my customer. Oops. So I pretended I was rocking the 80′s look and ignored the fact that my earring was offering itself to my customer. Fine, whatever, I can rock the one earring look if I have to. Then my other earring popped off. I think the guy thought I was crazy as I mumbled something to myself as I walked into the back room, frustrated to say the least. I was a walking, overdressed, falling apart, train wreck. Yep that was me! I suppose I was channelling my inner Tara Reid post American Pie?

I then found out that a very large check I paid overnight shipping for was sent standard shipping and I was going to be out of town for a week and not able to receive it. FML. I paid $25.00 to have them send the check snail mail? I think not. After a blood pressure raising conversation with the company, I was assured (guaranteed actually, lots of promises loaded with sweetness and apologies) a new check would be sent over night and arrive today. We will see, the jury is still out and I have 5 more hours before I get mad all over again. Grrrr.

I am hoping for all good things today. So far I drove to get my daughter without a car seat and had to turn around, I missed my eye doctor appointment because I wrote down the wrong time,  spilled coffee on my pants, and now a customer just returned 3 phones. It’s already turning out to be a great day! Yee Haw!

Anyway, Maine bound tomorrow! I wonder how much trouble I will get myself in there?

Happy Friday everyone!

We have been out of A/C in my store for three days. Three long, painful, sweaty days. So to try and curb the intense heat we have been leaving the door to the showroom open. This has not helped much, but at least it kept the store at 85 instead of 90. Today the A/C got fixed at approximately 12:00pm (it was 80 degrees in here at 8:00am). Fantastic! We closed the door and absorbed the cool air flowing around us. Ahhh… so nice! We kept hearing this strange buzzing sound and rather than investigate, we decided it must be a computer or something making noise so we ignored it. And then it happened. All of a sudden my coworker came face to face with a giant killer black wasp (gasp!) sitting on the window sill. This thing was MASSIVE and SCARY and I for sure thought it was going to come after ME. I was furthest away from it but I just knew it wanted to get me and do to me what it does to spiders and sting the swear words right out of me. (I told you it was a beast right?) So the guys started talking about how to approach doing battle with this thing. I couldn’t hear them because I was totally tuning them out; I was planning my escape and quietly easing my way in the back room to hide. Then they stopped me asked me for my help! What? NO WAY! But then it turned out all they wanted was my Hairspray! Huh, What a great idea! I could do that!  To think that my big bag of makeup and hair essentials was going to come in more handy then making me beautiful, it was going to save my life! (Oh, and their lives too.) Amazing!

After a battle of two men against this scary alien type being, I had one of them take a picture of its corpse for me to share with the world. (I still wasn’t convinced it wasn’t going to come back to life and kill me, so I couldn’t take the picture myself, nope!) After obtaining the evidence, I googled the beast and have decided that it is indeed a Spider Wasp. That’s my high school educated guess The store has once again been restored to a cool, safe haven for my employees. My bad luck has continued though… I just walked outside and got attacked by a lady bug. Talk about Scary! Yikes! I was on my own battling that little monster, so I did what I do best and screamed really, really loud, shook my shirt and ran back inside. Ugh, why me????

I have been hearing about a bar in Minnesota that has recently installed a pregnancy test dispenser in their ladies restroom. Huh. Who’d of thunk it? I can see the pros and cons of having this type of device available; however, wouldn’t someone want to know if they were pregnant BEFORE they head off to the bar to party like a rock star? Or maybe they are at the bar and are talking to their girlfriends about their periods and have an “Uh Oh, moment” and realize they missed theirs and want to take a quick second and check. Or maybe they need a few drinks to get up the nerve to take the test? And what about testing too early? It could get really expensive if you test yourself every time you go to the bar at $3.00 a pop. I envision a bunch of ladies at a bachelorette party and one wayward party girl (previously downing a few shots and wearing a blinking penis on her head) running out of restroom screaming to the crowd that she is pregnant! YAY! What a way to take the attention away from the bride to be! Woo Hoo! Sounds like a party!

I honestly can say, with certainty, that I have never been in the position to be at a bar and want to take a pregnancy test. It’s such a personal and emotional thing just to do it from home. But you never know, at least for those that are having an ah-ha moment they have a resource…. $3.00 is pretty good price though for peace of mind, even if it is at a bar in a public restroom…. (FYI: Women’s restrooms are typically, by far, dirtier than the men’s room, especially at a bar. I know this from firsthand knowledge; I partially owned one) I am totally feeling sick to my stomach thinking about it. Ewww. Anyway, good luck ladies on whatever the outcome! If this brings anyone peace of mind and helps out a worthy cause, that makes me happy.  All proceeds of this dispenser are going to benefit the non-profit organization Healthy Brains for Children. Who knew that two positives, or a negative and a positive as the case may be,  could come out of one little dispenser in a bar.

Hmmm… it almost sounds… hmmm… I can’t describe it. But it’s a good thing that the proceeds are going to a wonderful charity.

So I pulled into the Cumberland farms in Warwick to pick up something for a friend. I had my daughter with me and it was a tight squeeze to get into the parking spot I wanted. I remember thinking, “No big deal, I have been driving for 17 years… I’m all good.” Granted I was driving an SUV, and just to fill you in on a little secret: I am not the best driver. Especially in large vehicles; heck, I am not good in my own vehicle and it’s not big at all! Last winter I pulled into a garage, closed the garage door and next thing you know my car is bouncing up and down like a basketball. Apparently, I was not parked all the way in the garage and the  door was body slamming my Mercedes… over and over again… up and down… I freaked out for a few seconds and eventually got ahold of myself and turned off the garage door. FYI: I am also not the best person to have around in a time of crisis. I then cried, and cried… and cried. The tears just flowed over the scratch marks on my beautiful car; not just because my car was beaten and battered, but because I didn’t dare to tell my bestie I just did bad things to his garage door. In the end the door was fine. My car? Not so much. That little mishap: $500.00.

There was also this time in January when I came upon a young driver who had just hit a pedestrian on a bike, (CRAZY/ SCARY BY THE WAY!!!) and rather than pay attention to the road, I rubbernecked so hard trying to see the action  I drove into a curb and popped my tire. Oh yes, new tire? $600.00. The kid on the bike and the driver were okay, thank goodness! But my tire? Not so much. That’s what I get for not minding my own business.

Anyway, back to my story.  I was parked at the Cumberland Farms on a beautiful sunny day. I was trying to get out of the car while talking to my daughter (she is a chatter box just like me but there was this man with a mullet, unibrow and handle bar mustache getting into the truck next to me. He was taking FOREVER, and I couldn’t get out of the car until he was finished. He kept staring at me with a strange, mean look. I kept thinking how creepy he was and how I really wanted to grab clippers and shave his pathetic mustache off. Then I thought he might be trying to figure out how he was going to carjack me, or even worse, kidnap us!! Ahhh Scary! (It may be Warwick, but you never know….) So I had my guard up and was ready to scream and kick him in the shins if I needed to. Eventually he got in his vehicle (his windows were down) and I was able to get out and walked around the back of the car to get my daughter out of her car seat. (Still in full attack mode, just in case). As I did this I noticed I was parked sideways in the parking spot. Oops.  I, in my very loud, chipper and ever so pleasant voice said, “Oh, wow that’s a bad parking job!” (Insert-  Ha ha ha, smile, smile, don’t mind me I’m an airhead… hee hee -here) It made sense at that moment the guy was giving me dirty looks because my bad parking job made it difficult for him to get into his car. Shoot.  UGH, he wasn’t trying to steal me. I had no idea! Who knew?! So much for being aware of my surroundings…

Anyway, Mr. Mullet stopped his car and said, “Yeah it is, worst parking job I have ever seen. Maybe you should pay attention to what you are doing!” then shook his head at me and sped off. I think he mumbled something else but I just jumped back in my car and parked straight. I was horrified. The least he could have done is be nice about it, right?! I totally was paying attention to what I was doing (kind of), in fact, I was thinking maybe it was his fault for parking there first and that is why I was parked crooked???? Maybe? Hmm… probably not. Either way, Mr. Creepy could have been a little bit nicer, and a little more understanding… better yet, maybe he just could have driven away and not said anything at all. The best part is when I got back into my car mumbling a few things back at him, my daughter looked at me and said, “Mommy, funny! That man yelled at you! hahahahha.”  There is nothing like having a 3 year old add a bruise to an already sore ego.

I just read an article about bullying, and it brought back many memories of my own teen years and the hurtful things girls did to me. It is my hope that all people who find themselves being bullied will see that someday those people won’t matter to them, the hurt they are fighting everyday is only a temporary chapter in a beautiful, successful life that they have waiting for them. I remember it being the most horrific experience, but then I lived. I moved on and now it is I who is laughing at my tormenters.

Coming from someone who used to relentlessly fight against rumors and miserable people, I can honestly say at my age, if people are talking about me, I am doing something right. I remember when I was younger always being picked on and bullied for one reason or another. Usually it was my looks. I wasn’t the most beautiful girl, but I had something on them that they sure didn’t like: Boobs.  There was this time in high school, when a group of sophomore girls made a video tape about me. Ohhhh… did they ever make a video tape… They stuffed their bras and made “The Seasons of Erica.” Not only did they make this video, but they brought it over to the boys house (the boy I loved from afar since 6th grade! UGH!) for all the popular kids to watch, including him. There was the “Summertime Erica,” the “Winter Erica,” “Springtime Erica,” and “Fall Erica.” Now, I never got to see the video, but I heard about it and immediately wanted to go into hiding. I remember the horror of how I felt, the embarrassment and hurt. There was also the very “non-feminine female” that used to throw her unwanted lunch at me. That sucked too, so gross. Not cool to walk around with Tomato seeds in your hair as a freshman, just saying.  I used to try to find people to sit with that they didn’t want to throw tomatoes at just so I wouldn’t be tortured that day. By the end of my Sophmore year I stopped wearing makeup, put on baggy clothes to cover my breasts, threw my hair in a pony tail and ate alone or not at all, away from everyone.  I remember hating life as a young high school girl… I eventually moved to California, collected myself and gained my confidence back. I was the pretty girl with big boobs that also made a lot of young girls angry. I wasn’t innocent, I definitely did things that made people upset, (Hello, I was in high school!) but this was too much for me. Had there been internet, I am sure I would be writing a very different story now.

College wasn’t any easier, I was still picked on. Girls just f*c*ing hated me. I remember walking into a party and again having a very “non-feminine female” want to fight me. (Ummm, Hello! I weighed 110 pounds to her 200 pounds, what the hell?!) It was just crazy. I am not a fighter, trust me. I am quite certain any of my peers could beat me up, but really, who would ever want to fight? A girl fighting? Ewww… unless you are a boxer in the ring keep your hands off other people. Jeez. Bullies suck!

You see, it’s all about maturity and finding ourselves. We evolve as we get older, our tastes, our outlook, the way we view things. I sleep good at night and breathe easy knowing that I am healthy, happy and not in any way impacted by any of the people that hurt me during those troubled teenage years. Facebook is pretty wonderful at catching you up on the going ons of those unruly monsters, FYI.   I truly think former bullies friend request the people they tortured to either 1) make themselves feel better or 2) to see if there is anything else they can come up with to say about them. Either way, I always accept, because I am pretty darn happy to show them my wonderful life. I do wish I had my hands on that video now though, it would be fun to reflect on. Some day I will tell my daughter all about how these girls were so jealous they made a video about me! Woo Hoo! And to think I never thought I there would be a silver lining to all of that.

Given all the nonsense I put up with as a teenager, I truly believe it has made me a stronger, better person. I wish all young people that are bullied could see how there is an end eventually to all of the mean snickers and nasty comments. Eventually, we that are bullied end up having the last laugh. I am not going to say what happened to most of these people (as much as I would love to fill you in), let’s just say they are not anywhere near as happy or lucky as me. So what if I had big boobs in High School?! Seriously? If that’s the worst thing they could come up with for a video, I am pretty happy with that. Now I figure if people talk about me, good or bad, I am on their mind… and that’s a good thing. Because anyone that knows me, knows for sure, that they sure are not on mine. And that guy I was so devastated by seeing me in that video he hosted for all to see at his house? Yeah… I wouldn’t shave my legs for him now… no way….

Every woman wants to be beautiful. We all spend hours at the beauty salon getting our hair, nails and eyebrows done. We keep this up for a little while and then something happens…  we run out of time in our everyday lives to keep up with it. As I sit here, my hair has gray roots, my eyebrows are a mess and my acrylic nails are grown out so much I look like Elvira. What happened to the hot, sexy mama I once claimed to be?! Ugh! I missed my last hair appointment because I had to work, the next one is tomorrow and I am getting my new horse approximately 1 1/2 hours later.  I am not sure how that is going to work, but I do know I have to go or else no one is going to think I am sexy, ever. How do I not have time for ME anymore? Being a working mama sure has it’s challenges when it comes to beauty. Luckily, my biggest fan is my little girl. Just the other day she told me, “You are soooo cute, Mommy!” It made my day! Obviously, she doesn’t notice everything that is not in place on me. I will say that I have days when I look like a train wreck and get hit on more than when I don’t. Not that I get hit on by anyone I would ever look twice at, but who am I to stop the toothless wonder waiting outside the store from thinking I am pretty? As long as he doesn’t follow me to the car, a compliment is a compliment.

So let’s get back to what’s really important here. I am a 33 year old woman in desperate need of a little ME time. I need to color my hair, do my nails, wax my eyebrows and lose 30 pounds. Okay, the losing thirty pounds thing probably won’t happen any time soon, but the rest of it needs to. I am terribly afraid of getting older, wrinkles, gray hair sucks and the constant changes with my body that I am faced with on a daily basis, also suck. I remember when I was younger I wouldn’t eat carbohydrates and I would lose weight almost instantly. Now I don’t eat carbs and I gain 5 pounds in one day! Being a woman is tricky; being a woman in her thirties is craaazzzyyy tricky. I have always wanted to be one of those people that make beauty look effortless, but I’m not. It’s hard work, it’s unpleasant at times (think bikini wax), it’s time consuming (3 hours at hair salon for hair, 1 hour for nails, 20 minutes for eye brow wax), it’s insane! All of that is to just to cover the basics. If you think about all the face creams, shaving body parts , tanning, makeup, shopping for clothing, etc… it’s really overwhelming. And for what? So you can do it all over again and waste another 5 hours of your life on a beautiful weekend day. What the heck?!

The sad truth to all of this is that no matter how much time it takes, how much irritation (dye stuck to your forehead that you can’t get off for days resulting in a rash from scrubbing with too many chemicals to get it off), we are going to keep doing these things so that we know we are doing everything we can to keep aging at bay. My sister has made me promise to wax her and make sure she keeps up with her daily maintenance if she ever can’t… like if she goes into a coma. I made her promise me too, no matter what girls got to look good, right?!  I don’t care what is going on with the world around me, tubes or not, I best look good! I have this vision of two old ladies in a nursing home trying to pluck each other’s eyebrows with a magnifying glass and face painting each other with 50 year old makeup trying to stay beautiful. Ahhh, it’s not going to be pretty.

Anyway, if all else fails, I always have my little girl to make me feel beautiful, and that in itself is priceless.

So, what if I told you about girl who needs to lose weight but doesn’t like to work out and still doesn’t stop eating what she wants? Not good, right? Does she kind of sound like a hot mess? Yeah, that was me, until a week ago. I made it 33 years without having to workout EVER and BAM I blew up like a tick after a brief run around with a very rude, verrrry rude medication. I couldn’t fit in any of my clothes that I liked to wear (still can’t), my daughter thought my behind was a water balloon (still does, don’t ask) and all in all, I just didn’t feel like myself anymore. The new me ATE the old me.

A couple of weeks ago I went on Victoria’s Secret and ordered my bathing suits for the summer. In fact, I got three of them. Size Medium, thank you! I was so excited when they came in, they were so cute online I couldn’t wait to open them and show them off to anyone who wanted to see my glorious new purchases. When I opened the box I admired my new suits, lovingly. Then l was slapped with an overwhelming reality; I am never going to fit into these tiny little bathing suits. What was I thinking? Medium? Yeah right! At the rate I was going, I wasn’t going to be wearing a Medium anytime soon, especially not this summer.

So, after a brief sulking, I decided I was going to do something about my weight issue. One of the first changes I made was the “wine diet.” I am not having wine until I am bikini ready. If I do stray from this diet for any reason, it will be a very small glass and for a special occasion only… (Or if no one else is around to catch me cheating). This is just temporary; once I am bikini ready I am throwing out the diet and relaxing by the pool with a glass and a smile. (Totally looking forward to it by the way )

 I also have purchased a bike, a beautiful green Trek that I consider one of my babies. She is beautiful and I truly enjoy riding her. She doesn’t buck like my horse, take off with me or try to bite me when I am not looking. Nope, she goes exactly where I want her to when I want her to. Exercise seems so easy when you enjoy it! I am slightly addicted/ in love with biking now; so not me to like anything that requires movement and doesn’t include ghost stories. I know, I’m strange, but it’s true.  Ghost stories are my thing.  Anyway, let’s move on… 

I never knew I would feel this way about exercising. It’s amazing! I am walking 5 miles almost every day, and I am also trying (I use this term very loosely, as I think I could probably try a lot harder) to work out at the gym. It hasn’t been too successful as of yet; in fact I have tried once. Last night I brought my daughter with me and it was a pretty bad experience. Not just because she was getting into everything, but because she could stand on one leg better than I could. There are mirrors everywhere, and as I tried to follow the instructor on my DVD, I caught a glimpse of myself and I looked like a hippopotamus on a balance beam. I was falling all over the place, at one point having to hold onto the wall to keep myself up. Who knew I was so uncoordinated? Irritating. Anyway, I did my 10 minutes and called it quits. I meant to do 30, but you know how it goes when you are getting shown up by a 3 year old! Today I am going back at it, but this time without any distractions or competition from a toddler.

I am enjoying exercising so much, but honestly,  it’s the company that’s with me while I do it that I enjoy the most.

I sure am a lucky girl…

Have you ever had a morning that started out all wrong? When anything and every thing  you try to do doesn’t work? This morning was just like that. In fact it’s still morning and I am not sure what the rest of the day will bring. Today started out much like all my other days… at first. I am running too late to do my hair, or make up (hot, sexy, working mama is going to have to happen a different day). I grab my coffee, kiss my baby goodbye and run out the door putting my shoes on all at the same time. I’m in the car (finally) and driving. Ahhh, peace and quiet;  45 minutes to my office. Perfect, I am going to stop and grab a much needed coffee to get this morning going! Woo Hoo! Dunkin’ Donuts here I come! So after waiting in a very long line, it’s finally my turn! Yay! I pull up and place my order while looking at my phone, not really paying attention to anything around me. “I need a large hot coffee with cream and 2 sugars please.” No response. What?! I hate it when they take your order and don’t respond, so rude! All of a sudden I hear a very distant voice say, “Um Ma’am, that’s the trash can you are ordering from. Please pull up to the speaker.” Slap me and call me Suzie… No I didn’t… oh, but I did. There was a line of cars behind me and in front of me watching this all go down. I wanted to drive out of the line and quickly rush out of town. But no, not me. I am jammed up in the drive through line with no place to go. With a slight, ever so loud giggle, the lady asks for my order again, and cautiously I make sure I am at the speaker and place my order (with my tail between my legs and hiding my face of course). I couldn’t even look at her. I handed her my money and she said “Thank you, Have a nice day! (HUGE SMILE)” Sure lady, rub it in. We both know that isn’t going to happen for me but we both know I just made sure you had one! Thanks anyway though! I suppose she could have tried to tell me it was okay and happens all the time, but something tells me it doesn’t…

 So here I am, ready to face another crazy day in the life of Me. Happy Tuesday!